Curriculum copCurriculum Cop

10am: '…so I said to Wendi I'm the only one who shags Tony Blair. Get out! And that was that.' Rupert Murdoch's rich Australian tones echo down the Department corridor. The great man is paying us a flying visit to see if the hacking scandal has died down enough for us to give him his News International Academy. This was to have been one of the key elements in the Gove's plan to rush through the privatisation of state education. An Academy, co-sponsored by the Metropolitan Police, and devoted to journalistic excellence, tits and bums, but, most crucially, an Academy  where the Murdoch empire's educational software would have made possible the sacking of at least a third of the staff, the introduction of zero hours contracts and given the great man the ability to shape the minds of the young forever. 'I could have made billions', he laments. 'The education market is the next great bonanza. It is going to be bigger than satellite telly. And now it's all on hold just because my senior executives and journalists are a bunch of crooks. What is the matter with this country'? The Gove does his best to placate him, but he is very worried by Murdoch's continual hints about the reliability of his 'Johnson' which we take to be either a reference to his penis or to the Mayor of London.

11.30: Once Rupert has left, the Gove shows me the new volume of Austerity Verse that he has put together and intends to make compulsory in schools. It opens with Philip Larkin's masterpiece:
'I want to see them starving,/ The so-called working class,/ Their wages yearly halving,/ Their women stewing grass.'

What a genius Larkin was. The Gove wants every kid in the country to have to learn this off by heart. Nothing better captures the spirit of the times. The volume also includes some old favourites like Norman Tebbit's sonnet, 'On Yer Bike' and more recent pieces like Andrew Mitchell's stirring epic 'Open the Gate You Fucking Plebs' and David Cameron's hilarious masterpiece of comic verse, 'The NHS Is Safe In My Hands'. Great stuff. We have had to leave out Nick Clegg's contribution, 'Sorry', because it doesn't rhyme.

12.30: The Gove is off to open GOVELAND, the new educational unamusement park this afternoon. Millions have been poured into this which he likes to think will be a lasting monument to government by whim. There is the History experience where kids can sit a history exam, the Science experience where they can sit a science exam, the Sport experience where they can sit a sport exam, the Abroad experience where they can sit a languages exam and so on. But the crowning achievement is without a doubt The First World War experience where state pupils are lined up under public school prefects and marched slowly into withering machine gunfire while singing 'Rule Britannia'. This is the perfect antidote to all the lefty denigration of what is justifiably known as 'The Great War'.

2.00: Off to carry out a whitewash inspection of the new Helmand Academy. It is wholly staffed by ex-soldiers.  Arrive and meet with General Sir Complete Butchery, the head, and his deputy, Corporal Punishment. Butchery tells us that at present much of the student body has been placed in detention without trial after what is believed to be an attempted suicide bombing at the tuck shop. We see rows and rows of kids in the school's distinctive orange uniform, kneeling with hoods over their heads. The head assures me that any serious problems and they call in the Americans for help.

At Helmand, they don't have examinations, instead they have interrogations. We are shown a class being 'interrogated'. 'Answer the bloody question', is bellowed out again and again, accompanied by thuds and screams. We inspect the drill and bayonet practice classes. Exciting stuff! Results have improved dramatically. Apparently, parents are queuing up to get their kids in here. The only outstanding problem is truancy (or desertion, as the head insists on calling it). We are assured, however, that once the barbed wire, searchlights and observation towers are in place this will be sorted.

Butchery introduces us to his senior staff including the house masters. All the houses are named after famous British victories: Hola Camp, Batang Kali, Bloody Sunday and so on. The Academy is  twinned with the Guantanamo Academy in US occupied Cuba and they sometimes exchange prisoners, I mean students. The Gove hopes to establish Military Academies on this model all over the country. This is what young people need.

5.00: Meet with young Tristram Hunt, an enthusiastic if somewhat naïve, intern who has been shadowing the Gove. He has a fine pedigree, good public school, son of a Lord, with no experience of state education. He has come up with a great new way of sticking it to the teacher scum: regular capability tests. This will really put the frighteners on them and allow us to weed out the troublemakers, liberals and do-gooders. Young Tristram will go far.

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