Bollock Chops

01 June 2014
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G4 logoBollock Chops

9 am:  Just read an exciting research paper from the Boris Johnson Centre for Scientific Research and Comedy. Apparently they have successfully identified the gene that causes Toryism. They're calling it 'the Incredibly Selfish Gene'. Once they have identified the so-called 'Loser Gene', the whole British class system will have been explained. It is so important to keep up with the latest research. This has put the Gove's nose out of joint a bit though as he sees 'Tosser' Johnson and 'Smirking' George Osborne as his main rivals for the party leadership when 'Smarmy' Dave Cameron goes. Obviously he starts as an outsider, not being a Bullingdon toff. He is desperate to come up with some really dramatic new initiatives starting with a campaign to give Rupert Murdoch a State Funeral, but what he really needs is his own public school type nickname. We are all working on it.

9.25 am:  Inspect the new G4S Academy. This type of school will hopefully go nationwide soon. Now that we can identify those kids who are going to commit criminal offences before they actually commit them (poor, shabbily dressed, common accents, free school meals etc), we can place them in schools intended to eradicate these tendencies and teach respect. Apparently they used to have schools like this in the Good Old Days called Secondary Moderns. These new G4S Academies will have special custodial facilities where sitting silently in rows copying down will break the spirit. Certainly seems to be working here. And the staff are certainly a cut above the normal teacher scum: smart uniforms with dashing G4S caps, a no-nonsense attitude and they are absolutely untouched by the corrupting influence of teacher training. Some of them have been working at the G4S children's prison in the Occupied West Bank so they are ready for anything. This is the future.

11.55 am:   One delight of this job is the sheer variety of schools around today. Parents are positively spoiled for choice. Along one high street there are no less than six free schools next to each other: the Paddy Power Free School, the Ladbroke Free School, the Coral Free School, the BetFred Free School, the Metrobet Free School, and the William Hill Free School. These are the very successful Flutter Free Schools. As one head  who wished to be known simply as Darren  put it: 'We have sucked so much out of this community and felt it was time to put as little as possible back. It was this or start paying tax'.

There is fierce competition between all these schools which is just what we want. Their foyers are filled with gaming machines to lure in the 'punters', as the kids' parents are known. They all claim to offer the best odds on getting qualifications. As Darren points out, 'life is a lottery….except for us, of course because we fix the odds, but there you go'.

I inspect a Maths lesson where the kids are engaged in playing a number of games of chance. Many of them  already owe the school hundreds of pounds, but if they get in too much trouble, they can always transfer to the Wonga Wonga Free School down the road.  As Darren points out, no other  schools are actually preparing their students for the realities of adult life, preparing them for a life spent down the betting shop.

On the way back to the Department we drive past   parts of the country where there are a number of truants who have been clamped. Their parents have to pay a £500 fine to get them released.  In some parts of the country the poorer kids have been clamped for weeks, begging, sleeping rough. Preparation for life in Tory Britain.

2 pm   Really busy day today. Inspect the  Family Academy in Croydon this afternoon . As its name suggests this school really does put family values first: every member of staff is related to the head, Mrs Stoneheart.   She is a former NUT activist who, as she puts it, has come over to the dark side and is filling her boots.  All the staff are her relations: brothers and sisters, sons and daughters, nephews and nieces.  All the contracts awarded by the school have gone to firms owned by the head's relations.  Keeping it in the family, she tells me. Essential  to maintain the ethos of the school. The problem is that the head and her mother, who is one of her deputies, have not spoken for nearly three years.  Of course this is no different from many schools where the staff aren't related!

4 pm:   Crisis meeting at the Department. The Gove wants a decision. Cameron is in deep trouble apparently and the Boss wants to be ready to throw his cap into the ring.  We have a selection of public school-type nicknames:  'Arse-Face', 'Fucking Bastard', and 'Total Shit' but none of them seem to work.  After a lot of discussion the favourites are 'Bollock Chops' and  'Tosser'.   Very difficult this one.  The Gove certainly has bolllock chops and is very definitely a complete tosser, but which will make him most attractive to the average Tory?  He says he will sleep on it.

 

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