Curriculum Cop 6
9 am. Top level meeting at No 10 to discuss education strategy after the forthcoming election. Number of pressing issues to be considered. There is a real crisis in the public schools where the homegrown British rich are being squeezed out by foreigners - Arabs, Russians, Chinese etc. What is to be done? As the Prime Minister points out it will be a complete disaster not just for Britain but for the whole world if the British upper class can't reproduce itself. There are some seriously rich people who are having to send their children to minor public schools. This can't be allowed to continue and the PM wants to hear what we at the DfE have come up with.
Nicky 'Knuckles' Morgan announces 'TOFF AID'. 'We'll have a great open air concert where all those rock stars who either went to public school or have made enough money to send their children there will perform to raise money. The cash will ensure that British toffs can still afford to send their kids to Eton and Harrow. It will be broadcast worldwide so that everyone can make a contribution to saving British Toffdom that brought civilisation to so much of the world. We want to make 'Toff Love' an international catchphrase that informs every aspect of British culture from Downton Abbey to Olympic horse riding. We're particularly hoping for a big response from Africa where British toffs have done so much good in the past and are really loved by everyone.'
'And that's just the beginning,' she goes on. 'We're going to introduce the Public School Film Awards. Now that public schoolboys dominate the acting profession, we thought we'd make it official by cutting the proles out altogether.'
'Brilliant stuff! That should help turn it around. Well done Nicky. We weren't too sure about you, what with you being a woman and such, but that's a good start for your successor to build on.'
'Now, about the state sector Prime Minister . . . '
'Fuck the state sector!' The PM laughs dismissively. 'That's all on the way out. Don't you worry your little head about any of that. It's the public schools that really matter. The rest is just for show. Now if you could just tidy up the cups and saucers on your way out . . .'
11 am. Still reeling from the Prime Minister's decisive contribution at the meeting. Born to rule! Full of admiration. What a man. Never had a proper job, but still able to run the country. It's all down to breeding, privilege and Eton. Knuckles is a bit put out by his casual sexism and moans a bit about whether he really has confidence in her and if she'll have a job after the general election, but I reassure her that everything is ok.
Bump into an old friend, Pete, who is an Inspector with OFSCUM, our sister organisation that keeps an eye on MPs. He reckons they are even more dodgy than teachers! Find that hard to believe but he tells me that's why its called the Motherfucker of Parliaments.
11.25 am. Still the job of policing the state sector has to go on. We are on our way to inspect the HSBC Academy which has had some bad publicity recently although I'm sure there's nothing to it. This is the first of our Non-Dom Free Schools, registered in Switzerland. If you can get your kids in you don't have to pay any tax so there is quite a waiting list. Quick look round and then a clean bill of health.
On to the Royal Bank of Scotland Sixth Form Academy. This school had a full-size trading room where students could experience the pleasures of making shitloads of money at the expense of everyone else. Unfortunately, it has made huge losses. After a long discussion with the Academy's CEO, we decide to recommend that the school should be bailed out to the tune of half a billion so that sixth formers get their annual bonuses. There will have to be cuts throughout the rest of the education system, though.
2pm. Important meeting to discuss the de-Rowlingising of children's literature. Her savage attacks on Slitherin House were taken very personally by the PM and the Chancellor. There is a new range of approved children's books to look at. Morgan wants to end all this anthropomorphising of the poor. Apparently it all goes back to Charles Dickens who she says has a lot to answer for.
There are some really exciting titles:
The Hunger Smith
This is the story of how an evil wizard manages to conjure up hunger for the poor in one of the richest countries in the world. The Hunger Smith knows that the rich can only really enjoy their wealth and privilege if they know that the poor are miserable and hungry, especially their children.
Doctors and Nurses
Exciting new interactive book that brings the perennial favourite into the era of privatisation. Kids compete to see how much money they can make out of the sick while cutting nurses pay. Comes with bankers' costumes and optional Richard Branson mask.
Dave Cameron's School Days
Gripping yarn of suffering, hardship and struggle at Eton. Marvel at how our hero overcomes all the obstacles that privilege, wealth and luxury put in his way. When our hero has trouble finding a job, the Palace intervenes to get him one. A fairy tale come true. The book that proves its not what you know, but who you know. To be filmed starring Eddie Redmayne.
Terrifying horror story for the ASBO generation. Read how the evil demented Grayling rounds up young people to put in his private prisons in the hope that he can drive them to suicide. Can anything stop him? We certainly hope not.
The Johnson Trilogy
Brings together all three volumes of the ever popular classic Johnson novels, Dick Johnson, the stirring tale of how a complete dick became Mayor of London, Call Me Winston, how our hero tries to pass himself off as Winston Churchill so he can become Prime Minister (will anyone see through the deception?) and Boris Liar, the tale of a young fantasist who can't tell the truth to save his life but always gets away with it. Comes with a free Boris blow-up doll that loves itself so much it blows itself up.
The tragic story of a grumpy giant, his bike and the magical Downing Street gate. Brought down by a bunch of stroppy police elves who don't know their place, Mitchell the Giant is left ruined and in despair, sobbing at what might have been and how much money it has cost him. What hurts most is that everyone else in Toy Land is laughing at him. A really sad story that will have kids getting the tissues out.
The Maggie's Children
The evil Maggie has gone but her undead creatures still stalk the land, bringing misery and despair. Some really chilling chapters: Foodbank, Bedroom Tax, Yarlswood, Daily Mail and more. An inspirational teenage horror novel.
Altogether a really impressive collection. Part of the Department's War on Childhood series. There's a series of inspirational biographies as well. I'm taking home the Jeremy Clarkson volume, Top Git, for a proper read.
4.30 pm. Knuckles Morgan is in tears. The Prime Minister has just announced a dramatic expansion of the Free School programme without bothering to tell her. Wonder who the next Secretary of State will be. Rumours going around that they're trying to resurrect the Gove!