Curriculum Cop 8
9.25 am Meeting with Knuckles Morgan to discuss the teacher shortage crisis. Our offensive against the scum has been a huge success, driving 50,000 of the workshy scroungers out last year alone. With her is No 10 education guru Giles, celebrating his eighteenth birthday. After a chorus of 'Happy Birthday To You' and the traditional Etonian cry of 'Oink! Oink! Oink!', he tells us the latest thinking.
'The current crisis gives us a golden opportunity to sort out teacher education once and for all', he tells us. 'We are going to outsource teacher training with G4S as the preferred bidder. The whole problem has been that teachers' expectations have been too high. Well, G4S will put an end to that. And, of course, it will be multi-purpose training so teachers will also be able to work as security guards, riot police and such like'.
Brilliant. I ask whether him whether the government has given any thought to the teacher housing problem in London. He tells us that the government is planning to establish teacher barracks in London and elsewhere that will be operated by Serco. These will be called Teacher Sanctums. They will be single sex, twelve to a dormitory affairs, with strict discipline and a celibacy rule. Given what a bunch of wankers teachers are celibacy shouldn't be a problem.
10.30 am Visit the recently opened Nietzsche Academy. Knuckles was so impressed by the success of the Socratic Academy that she has authorised a string of Academies with their pedagogy rooted in the work of all the great European philosophical traditions. Meet the head, T S Zarathustra. 'Call me Thus', he tells me. The school is aiming to produce a Master Race of Supermen who will rule the world and subject the masses to their completely arbitrary and cruel whims, regarding them with total contempt as a slave race of undermen and women. So it's a bit like Eton. Observe a class where the students are looking into the Abyss. Apparently it toughens them up for the hard decisions inflicting misery on the poor that they will have to make once they are in power. Great stuff. I have to tell him though that the school motto 'God is Dead' has got to go or we will have to cut off funding. He is surprisingly amenable. As we leave they are putting up a new sign at the school gate: 'God is Very Ill'.
This new philosophical initiative has, it has to be said, been a bit uneven. Obviously had to turn down the Marx Academy and have passed on the names of its proposed sponsors, Jeremy Corbyn and the others, to MI5. In four, five, six or seven minds about whether to authorise the Post-Modern Academy.
12.00 am Email from young Tristram. Says that while he was shadowing the Gove and Knuckles he was so impressed by their approach that he'd like to come and work for us full-time. Would like to know what the possibilities are. Would like all this kept secret. Knuckles tells me to leak it to the Daily Mail.
1pm Visit the new Rupert Murdoch Academy. Its opening has been long delayed while we waited for all the fuss to die down. Now that people have forgotten all the unpleasantness the decision to OK the Academy was rushed through. It is his reward for supporting the government in the last general election. We are giving him a strategic foothold in education, complete control of BSkyB and destroying the BBC for him.
The least we can do.
The place is absolutely state of the art. Everything is controlled by an amazing super computer REBEKAH. Among other things it monitors all student and staff phone calls, messages and social media and then claims it didn't know what it was doing. Ingenious.
The senior deputy head is Mr Mackenzie, one of Rupert's most trusted creatures. Although he is a former public schoolboy, he has certainly got the common touch. While we chat, he takes time to encourage the female students with cheerful remarks such as 'Get Your Tits Out' and 'Nice Arse'. And he doesn't take any rubbish from the teacher scum. They are all on zero hours contracts and electronically tagged. He certainly has a robust approach. A young woman teacher comes up to him with some petty complaint about having to work Saturdays and he tells her 'Fuck off you slag. You're fired'. There is some controversy over the Academy's motto: NO BLACKS. NO QUEERS. NO IRISH, but nothing we can't sort out. Mackenzie is certainly a rough diamond but Rupert thinks the world of him. 'My Hitler', he affectionately calls him.
Meet the deputy in charge of social responsibility, Baron Blunkett. Apparently he used to be a Labour MP. Hard to believe. He is without a doubt one of the most reactionary people I have ever met and I've met Iain Duncan Smith. I ask him about his responsibilities and he tells me: 'I'll do anything for money'. Yes, but what does the Academy mean by social responsibility, I ask. 'I'll do anything for money', he replies. Mackenzie tells me that it's all very sad but after years of being a loyal Blairite that's all he can say. That's all any of them can say.
Look in on an anti-literacy class where everything is being done to ensure that students can only read the Sun. The students are busy reducing Shakespeare's plays to Sun headlines. Some good work being done here. 'Snake Bites Tit', 'Make Your Mind Up We Tell Danish Prat', 'Eytie Stabbed In Forum - Who Cares?', 'Mad Scottish Nutter On Rampage', 'Underage Sex Suicide Shock: Read Their Text Messages Here', 'Disabled Scrounger Wants a Horse Now!' and 'English Hero Kicks Frog Arse'.
Even though the Academy has only just opened there is already some remedial building work underway.
The Wendi House is being demolished to make way for a new Jerry Hall.
Very impressive all round. What Rupert is hoping is that REBEKAH will be able to take over more and more Academies and Free Schools until he has as much domination over education as he has over the media. We have been told to give him everything he wants but to say it is about increasing parental choice and giving power back to teachers.
5 pm Accompany Knuckles to a Downing Street press conference where the Prime Minister is going to lay the pig rumour to rest once and for all. She wants some moral support as she has found it very difficult coping with some of the disgraceful things that have been said about her beloved Dave on social media. She is clutching her signed copy of The Love That Dares Oink Its Name. We listen to the Prime Minister's heart-rending speech: 'You devote your whole life to the service of the rich, you make tremendous personal sacrifices, you go a long way to dismantling the welfare state, you stop seeing Rebekah Brooks, you liberate Libya, you give up hunting and shooting, you give away the Royal Mail, you send your kids, yes your own kids, to state schools, you destroy the Dumb Libs, you terminally damage the NHS, you deliver the first Tory majority government since 1997…but fuck one pig!' His words are drowned out by supportive cries of 'Oink! Oink!' Knuckles dissolves in tears. It is so sad.
Things are so bad that apparently plans to incorporate pig nobbing as part of the Oxford graduation ceremony have had to be put on hold until more enlightened times. Poor Cameron is the most ridiculed Prime minister since Lord Grenville the Sheep Shagger in the early 1800s. What particularly annoys him is the knowledge that if it had been Boris Johnson who had been caught with his penis in a dead pig's mouth the public response would have been 'Good Old Boris!' 'What a Lad eh!', 'What will he get up to next!' and his poll ratings would have shot up.
Note to self: must remember to cancel the Prime Minister's opening of the Old MacDonald Agricultural Free School. Can't let that disgusting pervert near any innocent young piglets. Who knows what might happen!