Curriculum cop 12
10am Visit the new Nick Clegg Academy/Free/Grammar/Comprehensive/Technical/ Community/Foundation/Faith School. As the new head, Tim Farron, a shifty-looking frog-faced individual says to me 'We like to offer all things to everyone'. The school has had problems though. A lot of parents objected to the surprise £9,000 a year contribution that they were expected to make and took their kids elsewhere. Farron is putting his faith in people having short memories but I'm not so sure.
11am. Next visit the Milo Yiannopoulos FreeKorps School. Could this be the future of education? According to Boss Greenie the 'alt right', or Nazis as they used to be called, are the coming thing and we have all got to get used to working with them, taking their ideas seriously. The school is festooned with flags, the pupils are all wearing neat brown uniforms and greet the teachers with clicked heels and a smart salute. Sit in on a class where they are discussing current issues. Which is worse, cancer or feminism? Never realised there was so much to be said in favour of cancer! Do black lives really matter? Not a lot apparently. Are ghettos the answer to the refugee problem? Yes. And where can we put the disabled? Special camps seem to be the answer. This is certainly all exciting blue skies thinking. Instead of a headteacher or chief executive, the School has an Obergruppenfuhrer, Julius Striker, a young enthusiastic blonde haired blue eyed individual. I join him for a vegetarian lunch. He strongly recommends the Sir Oswald Muesli. 'Tomorrow', he tells me, 'belongs to us'.
1pm After the heady experience of the 'alt right', a depressing visit to the Ant and Dec Talent Academy. The school is deserted with the wind howling down the corridors, classroom doors banging and tumble weeds being blown along. There is absolutely nothing here. The place is soulless, desolate, completely devoid of any hint of talent. Would love to shut it down but apparently the two nonentities (no one knows which one is which) behind it are 'national treasures' so we have to give it a good report. Have not been so depressed since we inspected the Simon Cowell Academy.
1.30pm Last visit of the day: the Alastair Campbell Academy of Journalistic Excellence. Observe a class where aspiring young journos are learning to write press releases for brutal dictators who have massacred their own people. Apparently this is where the money is. It might not be nice but you have to live in the real world. Look in on another class busy 'sexing up' dossiers. Providing false lying pretexts for war is not as easy as it looks. An important component of this exercise is developing a thick enough skin to not give a shit when you are found out and hundreds of thousands of innocent people have been killed because of your lies. This is where the kids fail. Only a handful can manage this complete lack of conscience.
2.30pm Important meeting to decide the fate of the Open University. For too long the OU has stood in the way of bringing for-profit online universities to Britain. We have been preparing it for privatisation for some time now, systematically wrecking it from within, but at last it is to be sold off. The head of the American Academy of Hospitality Sciences, Joey No-Socks*, has flown in to finalise the deal. The deal kills two birds with one stone: gets rid of the OU and sucks up to President Trump.
As Joey tells me: ‘Yeah, the Academy is one of the Don’s scams. The Trump University might have folded, but he’s got away with this scam so far’. An affable, voluble ‘character’, Joey has no educational qualifications and no background in hospitality, but has a felony conviction for handling high-end stolen property. He is full of praise for the new President. ‘Organised business calls him “the Donald”, but in organised crime we just call him “the Don”. Did you know his dad sent him to military school after he found his collection of flick knives? Without the mob he’d have never been able to build Trump Tower. Our guys guaranteed the site was strike free. And did you know about him employing illegal Polish workers on the site. You’ve got to admire the guy. Who would have ever believed that a racist, sexist fraudster like the Don could actually become President?’
I mention some of the problems caused by his attitude towards women but Joey reassures me. ‘The Don likes women of the Barbie type but with hard faces. He can’t stand older women. Fifty is the absolute max. Any older than that and they remind him of his mother and who wants to have sex with their mother? And as for those stories about his lovely wife Melanoma being a Russian agent and him being the Manchurian candidate, well who knows and who cares. As far as the boys are concerned with the Don in the White House, it's feeding time’.
Must admit I think we still have a long way to go in Britain before we have got educational standards to the level where we could have a reactionary, lying billionaire bully and fraudster, who openly boasts about not paying his taxes, elected Prime Minister, indeed elected as the People’s candidate, as the champion of the Common Man. Still give us time and we’ll get there.
5pm Disaster. Full-scale rebellion at the Michaela Community School. It began when the kids refused to change classes in single file and absolute silence, claiming incredibly that they had a right to talk to each other, and then the whole thing quickly escalated. The latest news is that they have taken over the school, barricaded themselves in and are flying a banner, ‘Freedom not Slavery’. They are calling on social media for other schools to rebel , demanding a democratic education for freedom and liberty . The fate of the head is unknown. This has got to be stamped on fast. We have got to nip it in the bud. If the contagion spreads who knows what might happen. Its going to be bad: riot shields and clubs. A night of cracking skulls. Still that’s what we are here for. The Curriculum Police Never Sleep.
* It is, of course, difficult to satirise Donald Trump. Both the American Academy of Hospitality Sciences and Joey No-Socks are actually for real. Look them up!