The Free School Caper

Curriculum Cop

8am:  Carrying out inspection of the Praise Huitzilpochtli Free School, one of the governor's faith outfits that are intended to drag British education kicking and screaming into the middle ages, in this case, the Mexican middle ages. Problem here with falling rolls, but the Gove is confident that there will be an acceptable explanation and that is what we have been sent in to find.
Morning assembly is a bit different. Xipe-Totec, one of our super heads, or the divine one, as he is known, begins the proceedings with the sacrifice of a six year old. The blessed child's heart is cut out and held up in front of the rest of the school to start the day in a state of benediction. Well that is the falling rolls problem satisfactorily explained anyway.
Discuss the thinking behind all this with Xipe-Toltec afterwards. He actually met David Cameron when he made a well-publicised visit to the school last year and is full of praise for the government. He is particularly impressed by Ian Duncan Smith who he describes as 'a complete bastard', apparently a term of praise and affection within the  Aztec belief system. He insists that human sacrifice is essential in maintaining discipline, has led to improved exam results and helps maintain balance in the universe. And, of course, they only sacrifice children on free school meals. He suggests that ATOS might consider incorporating similar practices into their working day. Already done, I tell him. ATOS has been sacrificing people for years. Nevertheless I can see some PR problems here. People can be a bit funny about hurting kids. Still, the Gove has got out of bigger shitholes than this. I'm sure his advisers will come up with something.
12.15am:  The governor is having Bully Wilshaw upgraded. It seems that teachers regard him with contempt rather than fear these days so some improvements have had to be made. His lower body has been removed so that he can be fitted into a new Dalek chassis. If this works the intention is to convert all FuckOfsted inspectors.
We all wait with fingers crossed as the Bully's gross stinking torso is lowered into the chassis. Will it work? Can Wilshaw be made even more obnoxious and offensive than he already is? A lot of people did not believe such a thing possible but modern science can work wonders apparently.
The meld is complete. We watch as the technicians set about reviving the Wilshaw. He is beginning to come round. 'E…e…e….Examinate! Examinate!' Complete success. Once again the governor has succeeded in making something worse. We can't wait to turn the new Bully Wilshaw loose on the unexpecting educational world. Are they in for a shock! Look out teacher scum! Nemesis is on the way! And its name is WILSHAW!
3pm:  Problem with the Departmental toilets again. This place produces so much shit that blockages are a regular occurrence. Fortunately we have a DumbLib, David Laws available. He was brought in to advise on fiddling expenses and getting away with it, something on which he is apparently the House of Commons' leading expert. Given the competition, this is no mean praise. He is also useful for clearing blockages, although it does mean you have him walking around all day with shit in his hair!
6pm:  The governor is on the news defending the Huitzilpochtli Free School. His podgy little face is brimming with over confidence. 'How can you possibly justify child sacrifice?' he is asked. 'It is all part of introducing diversity', he says. 'We know that schools with a strong ethos work! This fine school under its outstanding headteacher has improved discipline, raised standards and most important of all it has staved off the Apocalypse, something that would have certainly happened if Labour were still in power'.