9 am Real treat today. In Sussex, inspecting the Amritsar Massacre Academy (school motto: No prisoners and steal everything). Part of the Rule Britannia Academy chain, it’s sponsored by Sergei Loadsofdoshov, a Russian billionaire and Conservative Party donor. He regularly plays tennis with Prime Minister Johnson. Apparently made his money robbing the Russian people after the collapse of Communism and now owns a big chunk of the Home Counties. The chain is dedicated to the re-Britannification of Britain project that is so close to the PM’s heart.
Meet the headmaster, ooops, I mean chief executive, Reg Dyer. He tells us how the school is dedicated to crushing ‘woke’ consciousness and inculcating love of country and Empire in the very hearts of its students. The school day starts with every student taking the oath of allegiance to Her Majesty the Queen, followed by the rousing singing of ‘Rule Britannia’. The whole curriculum has been designed to make the students proud, indeed grateful to be British, to despise foreigners (except the rich ones of course) and to look up to and admire their betters. It’s what education is all about. Patriotism rules. And after school, all the students do military training.
Look in on a lesson where the students are learning about Britain’s long history of trying to help the people of Afghanistan. “Four times we’ve gone into Afghanistan to help the locals, to introduce democracy, women’s rights and help the country prosper”, the teacher, Edward Eyre, tells the class. “The first three times the Americans never even turned up and the fourth time they ran away. Still what else can you expect of a country that hasn’t got a monarch. No backbone, that’s their problem.”
“This last attempt was, of course, the most successful, not least because under our tutelage the country developed a world-beating pharmaceutical industry with much of the profits being invested here in our country. Few small problems with corruption but show me a country that doesn’t have, except our own of course, and everything was great until the Americans lost their nerve, not for the first time, and ran off back home. And, of course, even after all we’ve done for them a lot of the Afghans think they’re entitled to come over here with their whining. Bloody cheek”.
Great stuff! First class lesson. Edward is being groomed to head up the new Morant Bay Massacre Academy which will be opening soon.
Have a chat with Reginald afterwards. He tells me how well the new history curriculum is going down. A lot of the students had got the impression that black slavery was a bad thing, probably off the telly, but now they all knew how it had rescued millions of people from poverty in Africa, given them free passage to wonderful islands in the Caribbean where they were found suitable employment and were able to make an important contribution to the development of the modern world. A lot of the students just can’t believe how many of today’s rich people owe their fortunes to the slave trade and how many institutions and organisations, still around today, benefited from it. And as for us conquering countries by brute force, what tosh! British rule was welcomed wherever we went. After all, only a grateful population would have given us so many treasures to fill our museums. Very interesting.
Must admit I learned a lot myself. I never realised, for example, that famines like the Great Irish Famine or the various Bengal Famines actually made the idle poor, who are, as we know, always on the lookout for a handout, stand on their own two feet. Could do with a bit of that here, Reginald reckoned. Wait until after the next General Election, I told him, the government have got something very much along those lines planned for all those idlers up North, the worst idlers in the world as the PM calls them.
One interesting thing: in every classroom there is a picture of the Prime Minister, overweight, dishevelled, stuck on a zip wire, waving the Union Jack, and with a stupid grin on his face. As we leave, I ask Reginald why he chose that particular photo of the Prime Minister and he told me it’s inspirational. It tells the students that no matter how big a dickhead you are, you can still aspire to become Prime Minister. Can’t help but laugh. Seems it’s very popular with the students.
12 noon Back at HQ for the latest news on the policy front. Cabinet meetings have been dominated by the Prime Minister’s insistence that ‘spaffing’ be made an Olympic sport. “If a social menace like skate boarding, that only the proles are any good at, can become an Olympic sport then so can spaffing”, he ranted. It seems he wants to be the first Prime Minister to ever win Olympic gold! Not sure whether spaffing would be part of physical education or personal development. Need to give it some thought.
The proposal to backdate grade As to all the public schoolboys who ever sat A-Levels went through on the nod. Only fair after the way this year’s results were rigged and, of course, it means Boss Williamson will be able to remember his grades next time a journalist asks him.
One interesting bit of political gossip. Looks like the Boss might be for the chop. Obviously not for incompetence. I mean how on earth could this Prime Minister sack anyone for incompetence! Doesn’t even bear thinking about. No, it seems Johnson wants someone much more dedicated to the government’s culture wars agenda. He did briefly consider Laurence Fox, Toby Young or Rodney Liddle but apparently, Carrie vetoed them all as being too thick and obnoxious. Hard to disagree with her on that, although I’ve heard they can all do a decent spaff. Instead, she is pushing Kemi Badenough for the job. Wow! If the Prime Minister appoints her then we will really see the culture wars take off. We’ll have to have curriculum police permanently stationed in every school. She really is more than Badenough! Look out you ‘Woke’. You won’t know what’s hit you. We are going to cancel your arses. Ooops, that’s what we say they do! Must get it right. We are going to victimise you all and drive you out of education so you and your children can all starve; you’ll be blacklisted so you’ll never work again. Yes, that’s much better.
2 pm We’ve got a tip-off from our friends at Spiked that there’s a school in Manchester, the Greta Thunberg Free School (school motto: Save the Planet), that has a zero-carbon footprint! It’s obviously under ‘Woke’ control and we are going in hard.
We arrive in our armoured vehicles, all wearing combat vests and armed with tasers, tear gas and truncheons (Manchester is in the North after all), and storm in. A team from GB News are accompanying us, to film the raid.
The staff and students are all rounded up while I interrogate the head, who goes by the name of ‘Stardust’. She’ll be ‘Coaldust’ by the time I’ve finished with her. To start off, she insists she is not the head but the elected chair of a committee democratically elected by both staff and students to run the school. This gets worse and worse. “Those bastards at Spiked have grassed us up”, she says. “Had one of their people hanging around. Knew it was one of them because he had Koch Industries written on the back of his jacket. You know they’ve taken loads of money off one of the biggest polluters in the USA.”
“We are acting on information received”, I tell her. “Now on whose authority has your school gone green. Nothing plastic in the whole building, no fossil fuel consumption at all, electric vehicles, and solar panels everywhere. And as for the curriculum, all the students are being taught that global warming is an imminent threat to the planet and that something has to be done about it. This ‘Wokeness’ will not be tolerated. It is a threat to major Tory party donors.”
As I interrogate her it starts to rain, pouring down in great sheets of water, non-stop.
“So are you telling me that the Prime Minister’s claim that he is a green Prime Minister is just a pack of lies”, she sarcastically asks me? “Of course it’s a pack of lies”, I tell her. “The government has to pretend to be green and that it’s concerned about the planet and all that stuff, but the rich and their investments always come first. That’s how the world is. Grow up and accept it. You people have broken the golden rule: ‘Money Talks’. There are going to be a few changes. You and all the staff are fired and one in ten of the student body will be expelled to teach the rest of them a lesson. The solar panels will be removed, coal-fired heating will be installed and plastic fittings, cups, plates, cutlery will be bought in, plastic will be everywhere. Even the toilet paper will be plastic, something we are planning to roll out in every school. From now on this is the Oil, Gas and Coal Academy (school motto: Profit First and Fuck the Planet)”.
She is put in handcuffs and led away. Job done. Rebellion Extinguished. Some of the more stroppy staff and students have been tasered and beaten for the benefit of the GB News cameras. Should be the first item on their news bulletin. Pity no one watches the channel. Still keeps our hand in.
Meanwhile the rain is getting heavier and heavier. By the time we come to leave, Manchester is under water, something to do with global warming, and we have to be helicoptered out.