A song for any child-friendly school condemned by Ofsted.

Some people say that since grandfather’s day
Things just ain’t done in the same good old way.
Teachers these days have got shocking ideas –
Our Level 4 SATs data fills me with fears.

With child-friendly practice our schools are infected,
But we’ll sort them out when they’re Ofsted-inspected.

The 3Rs are what all our kids need to learn,
For blazers and school ties and caning we yearn,
We’ll focus on standards so rigorously
That we’ll get GB back to the top of the tree 

And failure with Ofsted is your situation 
If your school’s performing below expectation.

We need lots more phonics, and Literacy work.
There’s no place for any kid wanting to shirk.
To do lots of sums and to write and to read – 
In the twenty-first century, that’s all they need,

And no matter the regime is unfair and simplistic
And our expectations are unrealistic.

At school kids must write and read, then read and write
And with homework they’ll carry on evening and night.
It’s a serious matter, no time to be lost;
There’s bankers to pay and we’re counting the cost, 

And everyone everywhere needs to learn more –
Even Special Needs children can get Level 4.

We’ll weed out the bad schools and staff who can’t cope
With targets and challenge and standards, we hope.
No talk of inclusion and no-one will dare 
To claim that our children all need love and care. 

Yes, your child-friendly practices will be rejected
After you find yourselves Ofsted-inspected.

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