Welcome to the Dominator

9am Accompany the new Secretary of State Field Marshal Gavin Williamson (or Corporal Williamson as everyone calls him behind his back) to an emergency Cabinet meeting. He is in full ceremonial uniform which raises less eyebrows than I thought it would.

Dominic Cummings, ‘the Dominator’, makes clear to the assembled ministers what is expected of them with Prime Minister Johnson interrupting every now and then with a ‘Cripes!’, ‘Crumbs!’ and ‘Crikey!’ The Dominator finishes with menacing threats: ‘And all you useless bastards will do what I tell you or else. We are going to change this fucking country for ever, the scrounger state is dead and getting out of Europe is the key to finishing it off. Any dissent will bring ferocious reprisals. What we want from you is blind obedience, relentless optimism and the parroting of whatever my office tells you. When I say lie you lie like your life depends on it. One last thing: under no circumstances is anyone to mention handing the NHS over to Trump, that plan is absolutely under wraps, and no-one is to mention our plan to abolish the old age pension and if I find Ian Duncan Smith I will personally break his fucking legs for giving the game away. And now the Prime Minister would like to say a few words’.

‘Phwoar’, says the Prime Minister. ‘If you were a gal Dom we could really make some weird music together, what ho.  Gadzooks, I’ve got a stiffy just listening to you. Have to nip out for a quick spaff chums. Wankusest as we used to say at Eton…’

Cummings grabs the Prime Minister’s arm in an iron grip and hisses in his ear: ‘Stop rambling and stay on message, youfucking idiot’.

‘Of course,’ mumbles the Prime Minister. ‘Make Britain Great. Hands off ourKippers. Deal or No deal. Down with the Gloomsters.Brexit, Brexit, Brexit. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah’.

As we leave, the new Chancellor of the Exchequer, Sajid Javid, is handing out details of the latest schemes he’s devised for tax avoidance and investing in bad debt. After all, this used to be his job before he went into politics.

Certainly the most incredible Cabinet meeting I have ever sat in on. Really inspires confidence. The spirit of Churchill lives on, reincarnated in the shape of Boris Johnson.This is the man who has left his wife to cope with cancer and four children to save the country (and shag his new girlfriend). What an incredible sacrifice. He is literally bursting with tossertestostrone. What a man. Nothing can stop us. Not even reality.

10am Interesting range of views about the direction education should take in the new Johnsonian era. Jacob Rees Mogg doesn’t want children of the poor taught to read because they’ll get ideas above themselves, Priti Patel wants the death penalty in schools and just about everywhere else, Dominic Raab wants to hand over education to the Americans at the same time as we sell them the NHS and Field Marshal Williamson wants the introduction of military style National Service from the age of twelve. Mind you, we have been warned not to let Williamson see any departmental documents of any kind because he is a notorious leaker, not to be relied upon and on no account allowed to take any decisions or speak to the media. The Dominator has a great personal interest in education going back to the days when he was Boss Gove’s brain so we’ll probably have to look to him for guidance. Something to look forward to.

One initiative that the Prime Minister has personallysuggested is to set up a BORIS CADemy to give selected kids from deprived backgrounds the benefits of an Etonian-style education. The curriculum will force feed them self-entitlement, greed, narcissism, selfishness, dishonesty, lying, casual racism and misogyny, irresponsibility, talking posh and, of course,the ability to treat everything as a joke and then just walk away regardless. The motto for the school will be ‘All for One’. In this way, the Johnson spirit will be able to trickle down - which I must admit sounds pretty disgusting but this is the new Britain. The Dominator has told us to ignore all Johnson’s‘shit’ until he gets back to us.

11am An anonymous informant has phoned the Curriculum Police hotline to report that kids have been seen smiling and laughing on their way to the Education Should Be Fun Comp in Islington this morning. The very idea of kids looking forward to school goes against everything this government stands for. They should be full of dread, fear of failure, terrified of the punishments and humiliations that await the smallest misdemeanours and with any pleasure in learning ruthlessly squeezed out and eliminated. I lead a hit squad in to give the school a good caning.

We arrest the head and senior staff and send them off to a Teacher Re-Education Centre, hand the school over to the Grind the Little Bastards Down Academy chain, affiliated to the Church of England, and set about installing misery. Thirty detention rooms are erected, tiny rooms with only a chair in them. Any kids caught smiling will spend a month locked in one of these room staring at the wall, alone and isolated. Cruel and Unusual Punishment maybe, but it works. By the end of the week no-one in this school will be smiling or laughing, although we can expect a lot of tears and some breakdowns. Still as we say in the Curriculum Police, you can’t make an omelette without breaking kids. Of course, this would be illegal if done to adults and we’d have the UN on our back, but no-one ever imagined we’d treat kids like this.

1pm The inspection of the Prince Andrew School for Girls has been cancelled. We are told that the place is strictly off limits. No idea why!

2pm Visit the Brexit Free School, motto ‘You Can Fool Some of the People All of the Time’, proprietor Arron Banks, head Honest Nige Farridge. The first thing we notice when we arrive is all the second-hand cars parked over the playing fields. Honest Nige didn’t realise we were the Curriculum Police and initially tried to sell us a motor. There is definitely something iffy about the Brexit Free School but I can’t quite put my finger on it.

I ask Honest Nige why he gets his salary of £450,000 a year off Arron Banks in used notes in brown paper bags. ‘It’s all lies’, he protests, ‘fake news, leftie BBC propaganda’.

‘Well that’s what Mr Banks has told us’, I tell him.

‘Oh’, says Honest Nige. ‘Well in that case, fair enough but it’s not illegal, there’s nothing wrong in being paid in used notes in brown paper bags. Lots of people do it, not just spivs and crooks, but lots of politicians as well’.

I sit in on some excellent language teaching. Anti-French lessons, anti-German lessons, anti-Spanish lessons,pro-American lessons and, of course, Latin. Certainly getting students ready for the modern post-Brexit world. The How to Spot an Immigrant classes are very innovative and we might well consider pushing for them to be part of the curriculum everywhere.

Before we leave the Brexit Free School,though,wehave to check the roof is watertight. Not something we normally do but Banks was actually expelled from his private school for stealing the lead off the roof.As we finally leave the school, Honest Nige leans over to me and pulls his jacket open, revealing a dozen fake Rolex watches (or Brexit watches as he calls them). He can let me have one at a very reasonable price. The time is always 1952.

3.30pm Meeting to consider how to respond to the Extinction Rebellion strikes and the environmentalist agitation that’s taking hold in more and more schools. One worry is that once kids start fighting back over an issue like that, or indeed anything else, they might start thinking about how they are treated in school. The last thing we want is to have thousands of kids protesting about their education. That would be a disaster. The feeling is that until after the next election when Winston, oops, I mean Boris, is installed with a whopping great majority, we have to go carefully. Softly-softly is the way to do it the Dominator tells us. He wants the Prime Minister to proclaim his environmental credentials (obviously his sexual attraction to fast cars, his wish to raise the speed limit to 80 mph and his support for fox hunting will all have to be suppressed) and to promise to take the whole thing about global catastrophe seriously. In the vaguest of terms, the Prime Minister will energetically and forcefully promise that he is going to do something about it and sort it all out with maximum oomph. I mean they are only a bunch of kids. If he can fool so many adults, he should have no trouble fooling them. You will have to keep him away from any girls though, the Dominator warns us.