6.30 am Just arrived back from inspecting the Cruella Patel North Sea Academy for Illegal Children (school motto: 'Abandon Hope and Serves You Right') sited on a disused oil platform. Been stuck there for three days by the most ferocious storm that really gave the place a battering. Thought we were all going to die at one point. Must say the conditions are absolutely appalling, overcrowded, insanitary, cold, damp, with no facilities to speak of and with the kids locked in their cages for most of the day, something we've borrowed from Trump's America. 100% Covid rate. Don't know how the guards, I mean teachers, put up with all the non-stop crying and screaming. Never seen misery on this scale before. Cruella reckons it reminds them of home which is presumably why they wanted to come here I suppose. If this doesn't stop immigrants trying to get into the country though, nothing will. As we flew back saw a couple of dinghies full of kids trying to escape to the mainland. Only 300 miles to go!
There has been some of the usual whining complaints from woke liberals about treating kids this way, but as the Dominator has made clear it is vitally important that we persecute all immigrants, except, of course, the rich ones, especially the rich Russian ones. The government needs scapegoats so that it can turn people against each other. They will have to be distracted so that they don't notice how wealth is being redistributed upwards, levelled up as we say. As living standards fall, working and housing conditions deteriorate and unemployment rockets we want people blaming it on foreigners and not on the government and the rich. Common sense really. Cruella is so keen to show what a complete and utter bastard she is that she is apparently even considering deporting her own parents. Got to admire her even though she is a bit of a bully.
One blessing, we don't have to actually write inspection reports anymore. In an interesting innovation thought up by the Dominator, they are written before inspections take place. Avoids loads of hassle and prevents any embarrassment for government flagships etc. Have a look at the Cruella Patel report. It gets a MOST SATISFACTORY.
Mind you on the plus side I've missed the worst of the Great Exams Fuckup. Apparently, the Dominator gave Boss Williamson a right kicking.
10.00 am Already back at work. We are raiding the Percy Shelley Really Free School as part of the crackdown on lefty teachers and the use of subversive and anti-capitalist books and resources in schools. It is part of the culture wars agenda that the Prime Minister has unleashed. As he put it in one of his inspirational broadcasts: 'Phwoar! Every school has got to have a statue of Cecil Rhodes in the foyer and must celebrate Empire Day at least once a week. Tally ho chums! Churchill was probably my grandfather. Not a lot of people know that. He would have been the greatest ever Briton if only he'd shagged a bit more. Just saying. By gum we've got to remove political bias from the classroom. We've invaded more countries than anyone else which is really something to be proud of. So Rule Britannia and… Gadzooks! Look at the arse on that filly. I say young lady, I've got a vacancy for a mistress at the moment. Don't suppose you'd….' Ended there with the Dominator ordering they stop filming because 'the dickhead has gone feral again. He's having another spunk overload'. But we still got the gist of it.
We arrive at the school gate where the school motto completely gives the game away:
Rise like Lions after slumber / In unvanquishable number! / Shake your chains to earth like dew / Which in sleep had fallen on you / Ye are many - they are few.
Barefaced commie nonsense. Should read: 'Ye are many, but we're in charge'. We'll soon sort this all out. We've got a warrant for a certain Bill Blake, apparently a well-known troublemaker, and authorisation to reorganise the school and place it under new management. We storm into Sam Coleridge's (the head's) office, tell him he's fired and demand to know where Bill Blake can be found. The head tries to protest but I taser him a few times to calm him down. After a lot of mumbling about some bloody albatross being to blame for everything, he finally gasps out that we can find Blake in the library. 'You've still got a library with books in it', I say as I taser him once more for good luck. 'What sort of school have you been running here'?
I send a squad down to the library to apprehend friend Blake, but everything goes arse upwards. Apparently, he was some sort of lefty poet who died two hundred years ago. Admittedly he is still causing trouble, but all we can do is remove and destroy any books of his poems. Give Boss Wiliamson a ring and tell him about the cock-up. He says not to worry, he'll issue a press release saying that Bill Blake was killed while trying to escape. That should cover it.
We rename the school the Philip Larkin Know Your Place and Think of England School with a brand-new motto more suited to this day and age:
I want to see them starving / The so-called working class / Their wages weekly halving / Their women stewing grass.
Job done. Sort of.
12 noon Had teams out looking for the Dido Harding Academy chain but can't find track or trace of any of its schools anywhere. Apparently, Dido subcontracted the chain to Serco who then subcontracted each school to a local pest control firm, betting shop, pub or restaurant. Supposed to be setting up classrooms in car parks all over the country but whenever the lads turn up there are queues waiting for lessons but no sign of anyone from the Academy. Normally we'd do something about it, but Dido is part of the chumocracy that runs Britain today and so anything goes. Still I've already got the inspection report from the Dominator. Just as I expected: 'WORLD BEATING'.
12.30 pm Inspect the Bad Labour School for Responsible Well Behaved Boys and Girls Who Don't Want to Cause Any Trouble (motto: 'Capitalism Works and the Rich are OK Really'), a school that has gone from Very Unsatisfactory to Making Satisfactory Progress. The head, Steir 'Call me Sir' Karmer shows us round. In every classroom and on every corridor there are posters saying: 'Don't mention the Palestinians'. 'This is one rule that we absolutely insist on', he tells me. 'Anyone mentioning the Palestinians is automatically expelled'.
The school is quiet, and the kids are all very docile, polite and well-behaved. 'We have the troublemakers in permanent detention in the Left Annexe. One wrong move and we shall be saying a permanent goodbye to messers Corbyn, Abbot and their pals. Their shenanigans upset all the local businesses, but we have put all that behind us. I devote a great deal of my time to building bridges with the business community. This very afternoon I'm meeting with some bankers and then with the owner of the local newspaper, Rupe Murdoch, a great guy. He's got plans to start up a 24-hour TV News Channel to do over here what Fox News has done to America. He thought I might not like the idea, but I told him that was Left Labour. I've got no problems with free enterprise. Next week we've got people coming in from the McKinsey Consultancy to offer us their advice'.
All sound very good to me but it is really too early to be sure that the changes are permanent. Over recent years the school has gone from Old Labour to New Labour to Left Labour and now it is Bad Labour. They've changed the names of the houses from Lenin, Marx, and Trotsky Houses back to Blunkett, Blair, Campbell and Brown (inevitably the kids call this last one 'Shit House') which is obviously an improvement. Starmer assures me that he has a strong 'law and order' record, that he is absolutely committed to privatisation and private enterprise and thinks the British Empire did a lot of good in the world. I ask him if the school is still having any problems with the trade unions. He tells me that as far as he is concerned they are a hangover from the past, that their days are numbered, that there is no longer any need for them in modern Britain and that he takes no notice of them anyway. Must admit Starmer seems to have performed miracles. Bad Labour indeed! He could go far.
Open the inspection report. It is in the Dominator's own handwriting: 'SATISFACTORY RESULT'.
2.00 pm Meeting back at HQ to discuss the new History Curriculum that the Prime Minister is taking a personal interest in. The 'Happy Slaves' module goes through without any problems. Free trip to the Carribbean, luxury accommodation and an easy life in the sun. Sounds great. Makes you wonder why the slaves wanted it abolished. The Prime Minister is particularly keen that kids leave school knowing the names of every country that we've ever invaded, shelled from the sea, bombed from the air, and generally ravaged, raping, pillaging and slaughtering as we went. He just loves the idea of posh men from the top public schools in smart red coats machine gunning natives armed only with spears and bows and arrows and then burning down their villages and towns.
Must admit I never knew we'd invaded Tibet and who would have thought that we've invaded Afghanistan four times, yes, four bloody times and apparently they were very bloody times indeed. You live and learn. And who would have thought we attacked China when their government tried to stop us smuggling tons of opium into their country. The Opium Wars caused us a bit of a problem though because we have to play down embarrassing facts like the British Empire having been the biggest drug trafficker in history, inflicting untold misery on millions and millions of people for profit. Decide to leave these wars out altogether although the Prime Minister really liked the sacking of Beijing in the Second Opium War. It's one of his favourite Imperial war crimes. Apparently, we looted and burned down the Emperor's Summer Palace. We list the handful of countries Britain has never invaded, the likes of Monaco, the Vatican City and Liechtenstein. 'Still plenty of time', says the PM, chortling away. Decide not to call that list a 'To Do List' as he suggested.
The Prime Minister was particularly interested in making Churchill central to the history curriculum. He seems obsessed with protecting statues and monuments. Really worried that the statues that are going to be put up in his honour might be vandalised or graffitied. He kept on doing his Churchill impersonation right up until the Dominator had had enough and told him to 'shut the fuck up. You might think you're doing a Churchill impersonation dickhead, but everyone else thinks you're doing Benny Fucking Hill'. The Prime Minister lapses into a sulky silence, mumbling something about Barnard Castle and then slouches out. In an uncharacteristic display of compassion, the Dominator tells us to excuse the Prime Minister. Apparently he had a very difficult childhood, only ever coming second in the Eton Wankathon and has never really got over it.
4.00 pm Visit the Matt Hancock Academy, formerly the Chris Grayling Academy (same motto: 'What the Fuck!), where we are trialling the Education Department's Covid-19 prevention policies whatever they are. We've had a number of anonymous calls on the informer's hotline warning that the head, Robert Doogooder is having a breakdown. Meet him for an informal chat.
He really is in a bad way. He tells me the school was totally unprepared for the return of the kids, that only a complete fool would expect kids to be able to maintain social distancing, that staff are catching it and that class sizes are having to be increased.
I tell him that these are just teething problems. That no one could have foreseen kids going back to school being a problem or students going back to University for that matter. The track and trace system will sort it out and we are sending PPE out to every school.
'PPE', he shouts, 'PPE. We had a delivery from Serco yesterday. They sent fifty fucking body bags'.
'Anyone can make mistake after mistake, again and again', I tell him.
'Staff are going to die and kids who catch it are going to infect their parents and grandparents. The only thing stopping this country from being the world's biggest laughingstock is Trump's America'.
I have no alternative but to arrest him under Cruella Patel's recent We Can Do Whatever We Like Under the Pretext of National Security Act and have him taken away. Still leaves a problem. This is a showcase school, so we need a new head pronto. Get out the list of chums that we have all been issued with and scan it to see if there is anyone suitable. Ah, there we are: James Whogivesafuck. Did some building work for Dido last year. Just the chap. See if he's available. He's heading up London's track and trace operation but reckons he can fit a headship in. Sorted.