Put the Woke Back to Sleep

9am Meeting at HQ to hear Jacob Rees Mogg introduce his 'Rich Lives Matter' initiative that's being incorporated into the curriculum over the next month or so. "We have got to fight back against this 'Black Lives Matter' nonsense", he tells us. "It is wholly unBritish and little more than a thinly disguised lefty attack on the British Empire and everything it stood for. Everyone knows that the Empire was conquered by means of a succession of bloody one-sided massacres, was accompanied by massive looting and that we were often responsible for terrible famines. In India no less than 35 million people died under our rule because of famine. World beating as the Prime Minister would put it. If Black Lives mattered all this would be called into question. It is outrageous."

"Now the 'Rich Lives Matter' initiative will bring home to students how important the rich and super rich are to this country, how much they have contributed and it would also enable the plebs to show some gratitude and respect for their betters. Once a week every school, except the public schools of course, will take the knee as a mark of deference to the multi-millionaires and billionaires, including our Russian billionaire friends, who have made our country GREAT. The Prime Minister is right behind this initiative which is all the more timely now that the Sewell Commission has shown what a cushy life black people have and how slavery was not as bad as it has been made out".

We all applaud his impassioned squeaking and wait patiently while his nanny wipes the dribble from his chin. He goes on: "We also intend to follow this up with an alternative to this pernicious 'Me Too' movement that has really annoyed the PM. He has taken it very personally and given it a lot of thought, nearly ten minutes of his valuable time, pondering how to combat this one. The plan is to roll out the 'Me! Me!' movement, celebrating greed and selfishness. This is what Britain is all about, what he has devoted his whole life to putting into practice. Ooops!'

Ah, Rees Mogg's got so excited he's wet himself and, as his nanny leads him away to change him, Oliver Dowden, the Culture War Secretary steps in to take over. "We have to make the 'Me! Me!' message a central part of the curriculum in every school", he shouts. "The woke have to be put back to sleep. We have to make sure that the common scum has no idea what's going on and that involves turning them against each other, while we and our rich friends rob them blind. While most of the work will be done by our friends in the Tory press and by the new Hard Right TV News Channels we're introducing, courtesy of good old Rupert, these will really only impact on the over sixties."

"In order to brainwash the younger generation, schools will have a vital role to play. We have got to crush the Young, beat any idea of resistance out of them, make them believe our lies, no matter how pathetic, self-serving and contradictory they are. Crucial here, of course, is convincing them that we care about the environment and global warming so we can knock this Extinction Rebellion nonsense on the head. Operation Greenwash is vital here. 'Put the Woke Back to Sleep' is our slogan". [applause].

"Obviously, the PM is, as always, our role model. We actually have a high-powered team of psychologists working on how it is that such a transparent liar, fraud, cheat and scoundrel, the embodiment of selfishness, greed and privilege, can con so many of the plebs into believing he is actually on their side, intends to 'level up the North' [everyone laughs] so that we can isolate the essence of Johnsonism and distil it, so every minister and Tory MP can have the Boris jab and become a liar of Johnsonian dimensions. A big job, I know, but this is the way forward".

10am Powerful stuff. We are all enthused by the government's vision and are raring to go. 'Put the Woke Back to Sleep'. This is what education is all about. Must admit, I was a bit worried when the Dominator was disappeared. Never cross the Prime Minister's latest mistress was the lesson everyone learned from that episode. Thought the government might lose direction with Cummings' bullying authoritarianism gone. But in fact, no matter how incompetent or chaotic everything is, the PM seems to be able to get away with it. Some people compare him with Benny Hill, but I think there's a lot of Tommy Cooper in there as well. "How are you going to deal with the covid pandemic Prime Minister?" he is asked. His reply: "Just like that!"

Must admit none of us have any idea who's actually running the country. Obviously not the Prime Minister himself. He is the Public Relations face of the most reactionary government of the past hundred plus years. I mean just last week, he spent one day stacking shelves in B&Q; one day on a building site, pretending to lay a brick (mind you who on earth would buy a house in which he had laid even a single brick); another day in a classroom, pretending to be a seven-year-old and inevitably falling behind because he can't pay attention; a day in a lab getting in the way; a day in a hospital, trying to avoid the nurses (or the 1 percenters as ministers now hilariously call them); and a day sitting in a stationary lorry pretending he's in Dover.

Apparently, he was keen to deliver milk somewhere up North, but the last time he was allowed to do that a lot of people never got their milk, he never handed over the payments he'd collected and the milk float was abandoned somewhere and never seen again. Typical Boris! Good PR though.

Most insiders think it's Gove and Sunak who are running things with Patel in charge of abolishing civil liberties, closing down freedom of information and building up the government's riot police capability. Looking forward to the introduction of the long overdue water cannon to our streets. But what the hell … as long as the chumocracy is looking after the rich, who cares?

11am Visit the De Pfeffel Academy for Decent Chaps Whose Parents Can't Quite Afford the Fees for Private School (motto: The rules don't apply to us). No one knows who is sponsoring this Academy. Could be some dodgy Russian billionaire or whoever paid for the Prime Minister's last foreign holiday (who knows?) but we've been told, if asked by the media, to just waffle, mention how much the government spends on pencils and such, and change the subject. The Head is anonymous as well - apparently someone the PM owed a favour.

Biggest Union Jack I've ever seen floats over the school, and, in the foyer, there's a magnificent statue of the Prime Minister, three times life size, with a smaller Winston Churchill looking up admiringly at him. Bet whoever sculpted that is in the House of Lords by now. At the De Pfeffel they are piloting the personal relations and sex education initiatives that the PM himself has developed, his 'Phwoar Curriculum'. He is, as we all know, very much a multi-talented genius, concerned not just with fighting racism "so that all our picanninies can have the biggest water melon smiles", as he put it, but also with questions of gender, not just "bumboys" to quote him once again, but with how to treat 'babes' and 'chicks' properly. In these times of great concern about boys' education, sexism and relations between the sexes, we are so lucky we have a PM who can serve as a role model for young men throughout the country.

First to a sex education class in Jennifer Arcuri House. Very impressive building. They have really thrown loads of money at it. The teacher is just telling the students to make sure that their wives are out when they have their current mistress round for nookie on the family sofa. He emphasises how important this is. Then they move on to more practical matters. The teacher tells them to all adopt the now famous Custard Cream position. The students all strip off and then lie naked on the floor with sheets of yellow rubber foam either side of them, ready for sex. This is the first of the many positions that the PM has detailed in his essential guide, the Biscuit Sutra. What could possibly be more British? Only in Britain could such a man be running the country! Really something to be proud of. We are unique. Bet the Europeans are green with envy! Haven't got time to stay for the Jammy Dodger, the Fig Roll or the Hobnob positions unfortunately.

We give upper sixth Bullingdon House a miss because the students are having a smashing up the classroom lesson, getting them ready for when they go up to Oxford. Dominic Cummings House has been demolished. But I do have some time left to observe a Politics class in Margaret Thatcher House.

The students are learning to do Johnson impressions, telling the most barefaced lies with a straight face. They are all given a 'Johnson lie' to tell and are then marked on how convincingly they can carry it off. Not all of them can do it which rules them out of ever becoming a Tory MP or working in journalism. Some are really good though. The student promising to build forty hospitals was pretty good, although more of a future health minister than a future PM. The 'levelling up the North student' was also very good, right up until he couldn't stop himself from bursting out laughing. Backbench material only. I was particularly impressed by the student who insisted that he was a person of complete integrity and that he had never ever lied while denying he had agreed to help Darius Guppy beat up a journalist. The way he recovered when confronted with a tape recording of him doing just that was pure Johnson. Definitely a future Prime Minister there.

3pm Just back from the De Pfeffel Academy, a wonderful experience and truly a triumph for modern education. I authorise awarding the contract for drugs education to an up-and-coming pharmaceutical business, County Lines. Has been recommended by dozens of Tory MPs as reliable, discrete and providing a quality product.
But now we have to deal with a teacher-student rebellion at the Corbyn School for the Downtrodden. Our man, Keir Starmer, phoned it in and we respond immediately. Apparently, staff and students objected to the Union Jack being raised over the school and the ungrateful swine tipped over their Johnson statue and covered it with graffiti saying that the Prime Minister was a lying sexist, racist, homophobe. Sack the teachers, expel the kids and shut it down. Ten years each for those who so much as touched the statue. Amazed that any of these nests of subversion still exist despite all our worst efforts. Interrogate one of the teachers, the school union rep, Maxine Stickingtogether. She is openly defiant. "People are eventually going to see through the charlatan Johnson. Then you'll see", she tells us. We all laugh. Some chance.